Stand Up #3

More Stand Up Comic theme:

3) Childhood memories.
Variations: neighborhood personality, moving, 1950 style community group families, different houses, aunt burning hair off chicken leg on old gas stove, pantry - Easter orange peanuts, yellow chicks, relative size of things - parents bed was HUGE, steps knee high (try that as adult!), shorter steps than mom (ten steps to one, like video game fast motion, use fingers to display), cars (who owned what & why), Dad - taking me to the beach in afternoons (stop for Papa burger!, reading paper outside pool glass wall, anticipation of waiting for Dad to get home @ 4pm, dogs (Rex - Shepard, Moose headed German Shepard/Dane mix protected me from sister during fight- mouth around leg!-, Dad - watering grass - ALL the time!, Mom car - acting funny, could you check? NO OIL!, Dad - Turtle soup!, Dad - help pick up strippers (for him!), then I leave!, Dad - out to eat - FROG legs, Mom - always had a fireplace, Dad/Mom shuttling between for summer/school time, Dad as stalker - "just for fun, drive by her house!" while LEARNING to drive!, asking Dad for money - for guitar lessons - for BALLET! lessons, taking bus to Tae Kwon Do ( sitting on mailbox waiting at night - gay pickup bait!), TKDo getting kicked in the shins by old guys with now stretch, differences in toughness of TKDo later on (don't shout at them!) - wimpy, TKDo saved me from a LOT of fights in High School ( friends girlfriend became mine, Leather Jacketed Rocker - think Fonzi, wanted to prove himself but we became friends instead), Kids walking to school long way - weird long stepped gate, Dad- ice skate rink in backyard (stupid punk neighbors threw salt on ice!), Tough Neighborhood (TN)- got lunch money stolen - Dad said enough is enough and started home self defense then TKDo, TN- tough guy being trouble at school, walked past my house to get home, taunting me as I was walking MooseHead Dog, MHD LEAPPED 20 ft at him and just grabbed from of Letter Sweater, Ripped Open sweater, didn't touch skin, I yanked on lease JUST IN TIME! to lower jaw to chest level, he never bothered me AGAIN! Kind of bowed his head, turned, whimpered and walked the other when he saw me!,

3a) Remember how you KNEW where to find the GOOD stuff was when you were a kid? I do! One place I got into a LOT of trouble in was the PANTRY! Especially around Easter time! Ever start Jonesing for those little yellow marshmallow chicks? And for me this was BEFORE I was even getting the MUNCHIES! Yeah, I was a FAT kid! Mom used to TRY to save my self esteem. We would shop in the HUSKY department for pants. How many other euphemism are there? Do any of them really work to save the self esteem? Do your "friends" use euphemisms? I think NOT!. Hey, FATTY! I'm HUSKY! my momma said so!!

3b) Ever had any TOUGH Guys in your school when you were growing up? They are sometimes known as BULLIES! Me neither. So there was the one tough guy who was picking on me at school. One day he happened to be walking near my house on his way home from school. He started taunting me as usual. THIS time I was walking MooseHead Dog. MHDog was very big but usually just a big lap dog, super friendly. Well, THIS time MHDog LEAPPED about 20 ft, without touching the ground!, at him. I remember seeing it in SLOW MOTION!, like one of those slow-mo movies. I somehow yanked back on the leash as it extended to it's full length, MHDogs head and TEETH going SIDEWAYS right at this guys throat! I'm mean like everything is Slo-Mo, I leaned back, the lease got taunt, the TGuy leaned back a bit (in terror!), the leash tightened on the MHDogs neck and his head slowed down and dropped to TGuys chest level. TGuy was an athlete. He was proudly wearing his Letter Sweater! Well, MHDogs teeth JUST grabbed into the loose knit of the sweater, right above the letter. Ripped that sucker OPEN!! Probably a good thing, and very lucky for all of us, MHDogs teeth didn't touch skin! I yanked JUST enough leash JUST IN TIME! So what happened? TGuy bolted! Our Dads, "had a little talk", and I had to pay for the sweater. Oh, and TGuy never bothered ME again! TGuy would kind of bow his head, turn, whimper and walk the other when he saw me! After that my Dad stepped up the TKDo training for me. The best defense is actually HAVING ONE!

'nuff